zzz, here i am again. Another fucking cold night. I don't know why i  bother sometimes too,  i guess my selfish and stubborn ways just get in the way of how i actually feel for you. Don't be fooled, i really do love you- regardless of my actions and tall stupid words. But i don't think i can sleep tonight.  I cried myself to sleep yesterday, pretty fucking sad. Was one of those nights were i really just needed your voice for comfort i guess - i try and not be clingy; so that if there's ever a time that i need you.. you wouldn't shrug me off as just another annoying pointless phone-call.

But you didn't talk to me though, just like the time before. You told me to go to sleep,  i called you; i needed you. I really did. I talk about other guys, i laugh about it all the time. But your the only lingering thought before my mind drifts off into unconsciousness. Yesterday night seemed so harsh, the eerie silence pierced my ears; i longed your voice, your touch. I needed your words of affection, i really couldn't help the  tears that ran down my cheeks; they seemed like an endless river and the night seemed long. I'm better now though, i finally managed to pull myself together and make it through the long day. In a way i guess a sense of relief washed over me as you told me you wouldn't be seeing me today- i rather you not see me in the mess that I was in. Breathless, reckless, heavy heart, weak and fragile. Shitty, just shitty.

Maybe we should just give each other room like you said, maybe you shouldn't talk to me tomorrow. You'd probably be better off, 11.11 right now. I guess i just want you to be happy. Perhaps a day without my hassle would be nice, all i ever do is badger you with bullshit. Can't make it a day without annoying you. I'd be your girl if i knew how to treat you right, but i don't - hence why I'm not your girl. As much as i'd love the title as your girl i'd never deserve it. Hurts me to say you really do deserve better, it burns the back of my throat with bitterness thinking another girl would title you as hers. But maybe it's the best. All i do is cry, and cry, and cry. Maybe it's best if we just don't try.

Had a dream about you last night, i really couldn't figure out if it was an illusion in the morning or not-- i really wish it wasn't. But I figured it was. Dreamed i awoke in your arms, your warmth filled me with affection.  I miss you, i miss your arms around me.  I've been meaning to give you that thing; it's a love letter sort of thing i guess.. pretty fucking gay. Sometimes i think you really don't care. I've been meaning to burn it a couple of times now.. but it holds a great deal of significance; even if it's a torn out raggy paper from my music book. You stay in my head like a melody. Occasionally i'd smile randomly at a thought of you.

But sometimes, perhaps i'd rather throw all this corny-feelings shit away.
Grow up,
and ponder why i bother in the first-fucking-place.

I don't deserve you anyway.


-- 11;26 pm
cheers to another fucking  harsh night.